(e)motion

Something I’ve only come to realise in the last year or so is the importance of feeling. No matter how crushing, you have to feel something to move on. To keep in motion. If you deny an emotion its breathing space, it will stop you in your tracks, entangling you in a numbing rut. Life stops.

Recently my personal life has taken an unpleasant turn, and to say that I am upset is an understatement. I have no idea what the future holds, nor do I particularly want to know at this point. The sheer anguish of uncertainty is awful, and I really hope things turn in my favour soon. But for now, I am sad.

On paper, this sounds grim. And it is. However, there is an unexpected positive amidst the grief. I am feeling again.

For a long, long time, I had convinced myself that emotion and resilience did not go hand in hand. In my mind they were poles apart; if the two came together it could only mean the destruction of resilience. The flow of tears washed away any and all effort to live through challenging times.

It is this idea of ‘living’ that has become clear to me. In order to live, we must experience. We must feel. If resilience allows you to ‘live’ through adversity, resilience must involve emotion. In truth, we feel our way through life; in order to be happy, we need to know what sad is. When we numb emotion, an experience gets lost in time. Our course of life is stalled and we don’t move as we should – or as we could. We cannot move on from sadness because we didn’t acknowledge the sadness to begin with.

Of course, the opposite is also true. If we stop ourselves from feeling happy, we cannot progress to sadness. Although derailing the course of emotion is tempting, it is an unhealthy coping mechanism acting under the guise of ‘resilience’. Unfortunately, this is a trap that I have fallen into.

Under no circumstances am I ‘grateful’ for this sadness that has taken hold of my life, but being able to comprehend the course of my life is something I am absolutely grateful for. I feel as though I am moving again. The true nature of resilience is clear to me now, and with a little bit of luck, this will only serve to benefit me in the future.

Love and luck,

Clodagh X

looking through walls | dissatisfaction

One of the most intriguing aspects of feeling and emotion is how they cling to anything and everything.  The sensation of velvet on the skin makes you content inside. A particular shade of orange brings about a feeling of centred-ness.

Feeling also clings to places. Big time.

Have you ever walked into a building and almost felt as though you were crashing right into the walls of that building? An emotion surrounds you and there is no exit in sight. You, quite literally, feel walled in. Trapped.

We often feel trapped at the most inopportune of times. It is just when you have to see something through to the bitter end that you are desperate to leave. Of course this makes sense; if you don’t like something, you want to get rid of it. You want to be free. Leaving, however, isn’t always an option.

This is when you need to think past the boundaries. Place a window in the wall and see your life the way you want it to be. The more you cultivate the outside, the less energy you waste on the inside. By doing this you are putting in groundwork for the future; working the ground and making way for your life to blossom.

There may even come a time when your life starts to weave its way through the window, just as ivy spreads its veins for all to see. Do not be afraid to open the window and connect with this lifeline.

In short: iff there is something caving you in right now, look through the walls and grow your life the way you want it to be.

Love and luck,

Clodagh X

the way they make you feel | leave them behind

It is almost tragic how emotion can sweep us away. We know deep down that someone is not good for us, that they leave us raw with pain and upset with each and every encounter; yet we are still drawn towards them. Be it platonic or not, we love them. And we are powerless to prevent it.

Attempting to leave behind someone you connect with on a life level is nothing but torturous. What’s even more torturous is realising that you are the one who has been left behind. You are the one who is giving every second thought away to someone who deserves no place in your life. You are allowing someone to torture you.

Is there a remedy to this? In my opinion, yes. It’s about acceptance. You need to accept that feelings exist, that they may try to sway you from what you need. Your spirit is multifaceted; those you connect with on a soul level may not be accessing the best parts of you. Let your mind do the work. You do know what is best for you. Clinging to a semblance of happiness for the sake of your life is not worth it.

If there is someone in your life dragging you to your depths, leave them down there and rise above them. You will reach a whole new level of existence you didn’t think would see the light of day, the light of life.

It’s time to start living again.

moulding emotion | look at a feeling, let it pass

It starts in your gut. You feel your stomach churn, and soon your mind starts spinning. These cogs turn together, forcing your mouth into action so that, before you know it, you’ve said something you’ll live to regret. All because of a feeling that spun out of control.

This is an all-too-familiar experience for the majority of the human race. Someone says something, we take it personally and bam! the insecurities tumble out at record speed. It is phenomenal how any issue we have with the person facing us can be compressed into a little package of hate within seconds of a misinterpreted remark.

The same thing can happen when we are faced with unpleasant circumstances. Combine this with a lack of control over said circumstances and you have enough fuel to keep the cogs whirring until you’re engulfed in nothing but feeling. All rationality goes out the window, leaving you at the mercy of your primal instincts.

While you can’t necessarily stop a feeling from emerging, you can stop it from developing. All you have to do is acknowledge its presence, and let it pass. Don’t act on it. If that means staying silent for a second, or pausing for breath, don’t hesitate to do so. Just be aware that you’re feeling angry or hurt, even unloved, and allow this awareness to give you a heightened level of understanding. It is with this understanding that we can grow both internally and externally; our relationships with ourselves and others improve, and we ultimately live better lives.

This is something I’ve had to learn the hard way as I’ve grown up (I use the term ‘grow up’ pretty loosely as I still have an awful lot of growing up to do!). So many arguments and bad feelings could have been prevented if I’d just held myself back for a moment. When I did eventually figure all of this out – roughly when I was about 18 –  it was as if I’d been given a new power. I sincerely hope I’ve passed on this power by writing this post!

The next time an unwanted feeling starts growing inside of you, be aware that you do not have to give in to it. Look at it, and let it pass.

Love and luck,

Clodagh X