(e)motion

Something I’ve only come to realise in the last year or so is the importance of feeling. No matter how crushing, you have to feel something to move on. To keep in motion. If you deny an emotion its breathing space, it will stop you in your tracks, entangling you in a numbing rut. Life stops.

Recently my personal life has taken an unpleasant turn, and to say that I am upset is an understatement. I have no idea what the future holds, nor do I particularly want to know at this point. The sheer anguish of uncertainty is awful, and I really hope things turn in my favour soon. But for now, I am sad.

On paper, this sounds grim. And it is. However, there is an unexpected positive amidst the grief. I am feeling again.

For a long, long time, I had convinced myself that emotion and resilience did not go hand in hand. In my mind they were poles apart; if the two came together it could only mean the destruction of resilience. The flow of tears washed away any and all effort to live through challenging times.

It is this idea of ‘living’ that has become clear to me. In order to live, we must experience. We must feel. If resilience allows you to ‘live’ through adversity, resilience must involve emotion. In truth, we feel our way through life; in order to be happy, we need to know what sad is. When we numb emotion, an experience gets lost in time. Our course of life is stalled and we don’t move as we should – or as we could. We cannot move on from sadness because we didn’t acknowledge the sadness to begin with.

Of course, the opposite is also true. If we stop ourselves from feeling happy, we cannot progress to sadness. Although derailing the course of emotion is tempting, it is an unhealthy coping mechanism acting under the guise of ‘resilience’. Unfortunately, this is a trap that I have fallen into.

Under no circumstances am I ‘grateful’ for this sadness that has taken hold of my life, but being able to comprehend the course of my life is something I am absolutely grateful for. I feel as though I am moving again. The true nature of resilience is clear to me now, and with a little bit of luck, this will only serve to benefit me in the future.

Love and luck,

Clodagh X

the way they make you feel | leave them behind

It is almost tragic how emotion can sweep us away. We know deep down that someone is not good for us, that they leave us raw with pain and upset with each and every encounter; yet we are still drawn towards them. Be it platonic or not, we love them. And we are powerless to prevent it.

Attempting to leave behind someone you connect with on a life level is nothing but torturous. What’s even more torturous is realising that you are the one who has been left behind. You are the one who is giving every second thought away to someone who deserves no place in your life. You are allowing someone to torture you.

Is there a remedy to this? In my opinion, yes. It’s about acceptance. You need to accept that feelings exist, that they may try to sway you from what you need. Your spirit is multifaceted; those you connect with on a soul level may not be accessing the best parts of you. Let your mind do the work. You do know what is best for you. Clinging to a semblance of happiness for the sake of your life is not worth it.

If there is someone in your life dragging you to your depths, leave them down there and rise above them. You will reach a whole new level of existence you didn’t think would see the light of day, the light of life.

It’s time to start living again.